How often do we hear, "To give is better than to receive" ? In society, we have been constantly bombarded with messages that it is important to be charitable, to give of yourself, to expect nothing in return. We are raised to believe that putting yourself first, considering your own needs above others and taking time for yourself are all signs of selfishness and even weakness. But times are changing! As we become more self aware, people are beginning to realise that it is all about balance. We are recognising the need to take care of ourselves in order that we can take care of others and to have boundaries in place that prevent us from being taken advantage of.
So how do we identify when we are giving too much? Well the simple answer is when we find ourselves in a position where our generosity has become "self-sacrifice". The definition of self-sacrifice is : the sacrifice of oneself or one's interest for others or for a cause or ideal. Self-sacrifice is neither sustainable nor healthy. In fact there is much research that shows that people who care about others and neglect themselves are far more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. The act of being generous is not about sacrificing yourself for others - it is about helping others without being detrimental to yourself. Its not about relentlessly giving to those who constantly take - its about giving in a way that nurtures the spirit of giving in others. Its not about dropping everything every time someone needs or wants you too - its about prioritising your needs as well as theirs. In fact the very act of being less self-sacrificing enables you to give more. By putting in strong, clear boundaries which prevent people from taking more than you are able to give, you will have more energy and motivation to give more.
A perfect example of how our view of giving has changed can be found in the example of the famous children's book, "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. This book was first written in the 1960's and was heralded as a wonderful example of unconditional love and generosity. In case you are not familiar with the story, you can watch the short video here.....
Now while there is no doubt that this is a lovely story, look a little deeper. On the surface the story does indeed appear to show how the tree selflessly gave of herself to the boy
Her generosity knew no bounds and she was prepared to put the needs of the boy before her own. But of course, the end result was that there was simply nothing left of the tree!
This story demonstrated perfectly when generosity becomes self-sacrifice and why this is simply not healthy. The tree put the boys happiness before her own and there were no boundaries, end result the boy kept taking and the tree felt that she had to keep giving.
So, the moral of the story is, always question the narratives we have been taught and consider how those beliefs may well be influencing our lives today. Things have moved on and what may have been right for us once may not be for our highest good now.
If you would like to read an alternative ending to "The Giving Tree", check out the playwright Topher Payne's version " The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries" by clicking here.
Love and light
Sharon x x x
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