So, lets start with a question....Can you say no without feeling guilty? If you’re anything like me, you say yes because you really want to help and it feels amazing to be able to do so - at first. You are stepping up and stepping in to help someone in need, you are showing your support and of course people love that generosity! This special type of selfless giving is a quality that is part of who you are and is a really positive aspect of your life. But, it can become a problem. If you find yourself saying yes when what you really wanted to say was no and this becomes a pattern; you may find yourself feeling exhausted, resentful and used.
But I don't want to say no! And there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are actually saying yes because you want to and not because you think you have to. The reality is that if you are saying yes when you mean no, you are denying yourself. You are not validating what you really feel and essentially you are not valuing yourself.
Consider why you feel you have to say yes every time. Maybe you're fearful that people won't like you? Perhaps you think that people will see you as selfish? Or perhaps you simply don't think that you have a right to put your needs first. So instead you choose to ignore what you want or need, to disregard your boundaries and to put yourself last.
Often it takes us being pushed to our absolute limits before we are willing to take action. It can be difficult to break the habit if we are someone who is known for always saying yes. Wanting to help and to make others happy isn't in essence a problem until of course we are doing it when we don't really want to be and then we can simply feel taken of advantage of, resentful and invisible.
The problem is our relationship with the word no. How often do you feel the need to justify or explain when you say yes? The reality is we don't yet we feel unable to do the same with the word no. No is a complete sentence and just like yes does not require explanation. No does not need to be perceived as a negative word. Of course it's all about how you say it and the tone you use. We can say no in a multitude of ways including angrily, aggressively and maliciously. We can also say is honestly, truthfully, openly and with kindness and this is where the "Empowered No" comes into play.
How to Start Using the Empowered No
The empowered no means that you know clearly what you value, what your boundaries are and what you will an won't allow. Having that knowledge and being fully connected to it will allow you to have healthy relationships where all people's needs are met. Saying no gives you the power to take care of yourself rather than simply throwing yourself under the bus.
Tips for saying no:
Give yourself permission - acknowledge to yourself that it is perfectly ok for you to say no when the situation or circumstances don't align with your values or your needs.
Thank them for asking first, then say no. Be clear, no waffle. Avoid the use of the words "maybe" or "possibly", you are simply putting off the inevitable of having to say no at a later stage and prolonging the situation for all parties.
Let them know it's not going to work.
Use a nice, empathetic tone.
Keep it short - don't over-explain.
People respond better when you have considered their needs - not only when you fulfill them. The response you get may show whether the relationship is helping or hurting you. In the beginning, there is an adjustment period. We teach people how to treat us so if you've never said no before, it changes the dynamic a bit. Explain that you're trying to take better care of yourself by doing things a little differently. Most people will show compassion, but if they don't, that's important information. The people in your life that respect the no are the ones you want to keep!
Saying no takes time and courage and you're not always going to get it right. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to make the change. Don't forget that by making this change, doesn't mean you always have to say no, what's important is that you are saying yes when you really mean it.
If you are still wondering how you are going to start saying no, here are a few examples of ways to use the empowered no.
10 Ways to Say No Nicely
Let me think about that.
Here's what will work for me.
"I can't today. How about [insert new schedule]?"
That doesn't work for me.
I appreciate your asking but I can't.
I know this is important but I just can't.
Thanks but it's not going to work out.
That isn't doable for me right now.
Thank you but this isn't the right time for me.
I can help you find a solution?
When you give yourself permission to say no, you feel empowered and valued. You lose the resentment and your relationships with others will improve.
Love and light
Sharon x x
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